29
Tomorrow is my last birthday in my 20s! Holy shiznit! Where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday I was arguing with my friends about which Spice Girl I was. (If you are reading this, Amanda, it’s crystal clear I was Baby Spice!!!) #sorrynotsorry
While planning a funeral for my youth, I am reminded of a time when I was planning my actual funeral. Twenty-nine was never an age I thought I would live to see. Without getting too personal, I spent my teens and early 20s in and out of psych wards looking for a way out without taking myself out. Trauma has struck my life to the core, and the safety I had once felt had been taken away from me. Somehow, I was on survival mode without the will to survive.
My first attempt came just three days shy of my 17th birthday. While most of my friends would celebrating theirs with a driver’s license, I celebrated mine eating cupcakes in misery’s company, surrounded by strangers, many of whom were too young even to hit puberty. Still, many of these adolescents had experienced more pain than most adults would in their lifetime. They were struggling with addiction, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidality, and a lost childhood. It was the first time I had really understood what it’s like not to feel alone. You see, even though it was only 12 years ago, mental health was not spoken of. Some of my family and friends from childhood still don’t know why I missed finals week that year. I personally didn’t know anyone who had been to a psych ward before. The word alone sounded terrifying to me. I was expecting something straight out of Girl, Interrupted. White padded walls, screaming coming from the rooms, chains clinging from restraining another violent outburst, and the cold, clamminess that made hospitals extra eerie. In reality, we wore regular clothes, spent most of our days in therapy, and played Uno one too many times. I’m certainly not trying to sugarcoat it, but it’s no horror film to paint a picture of those struggling.
I am a firm believer that everything in my life has happened for a reason (please don’t tell other people struggling this, though). I believe God’s most powerful lesson in my life has been teaching me about the beauty of pain. It has caused me to grow stronger, love harder, and see the power of empathy. So today, I want to celebrate by sharing 29 beautiful thing that have been given to me with those 12 years of living.
1. The gift of streaming services. This one is self-explanatory. As a person who is terrible with time management, this truly has become the best thing since sliced bread.
2. Getting invited backstage by one of my celebrity crushes! This one still gets me. It was straight out of a Wattpad fan fiction.
3. Hannah Montana revealing her true identity.
4. The birth of all my baby cousins (some of which are now preteens!)
5. Discovering Harry Styles for the first time. Enough said.
6. Seeing Harry Styles front row. Enough said.
7. Joining a sorority for my last semester at Monmouth but creating friendships that have lasted eight years.
8. A stadium of people going bananas singing “Friday” at a Katy Perry Concert. Partying. Partying yeah!
9. Falling in love for the first time as an adult with my best friend.
10. Getting my heartbroken for the first time as an adult by my best friend, only to discover who I am again.
11. Harry Potter coming to a close.
12. Telling my grandmother how much I love her one last time.
13. Taylor Swift’s Red album. That album alone brought me back to life.
14. Getting my sweet cat, Nala, after one of my friends found her outside her college dorm.
15. Watching same-sex couples from all over the US getting married legally for the first time.
16. Saturday nights watching documentaries on MLMs with my childhood best friends.
17. Leo finally getting his Oscar! You go, Glen Coco!
18. Seeing the breathtaking sunsets on the Colorado Rockies for the first time.
19. Sending daily memes as a form of communication
20. Rebuilding my relationship with my family
21. The hot mess that was Fire Festival
22. Zoom parties and virtual karaoke nights
23. Having multiple 4.0 semesters after failing out of college for my mental illness
24. Celebrating everyone’s 21st birthday in AC
25. Reclaiming my power and my voice during the #MeToo movement
26. SNL coming back to life because of Trump’s Presidency
27. Impulsively moving down the shore in the middle of a pandemic
28. Going viral for dming Channing Tatum “U up?”
29. Learning to love myself for who I am, flaws and all
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again if there is one thing I have learned in all these years, it’s how resilient we are as human beings. Life won’t always bring us happiness. Sometimes there will be a strong downpour that floods us with emotions. No end in sight. Only when we embrace the storm and learn to dance in the rain will the clouds shift and form a rainbow.
Life is messy, chaotic, and downright exhausting at times, but boy is it beautiful. You should be here to see it. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it. Wishing you all my love and light!